


Leave a Scar

by rocknrolljunkie989



Category: Rush (2013)
Genre: M/M, post-accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 16:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocknrolljunkie989/pseuds/rocknrolljunkie989
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Whatever doesn't kill you is gonna leave a scar."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave a Scar

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into English available: [留下一道伤痕](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1331647) by [cellecelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cellecelle/pseuds/cellecelle)



> Inspired by [Leave a Scar by Marilyn Manson](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfklIOwcqKI).  
> I had high hopes for a plot based on this song, but somewhere along the way it got lost in all of the character development. I basically just wanted to get these thoughts down on paper.
> 
> [Cellecelle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cellecelle/pseuds/cellecelle) has translated this into Chinese! You can find it [here](http://www.mtslash.com/thread-112780-1-1.html) or here.

When James sees Niki's burns for the first time, the world starts to spin around him, and his legs threaten to give way like toppling towers. He can't breathe, because it feels like someone has punched him in the gut. His vision becomes a tunnel, and he realizes that he doesn't want to struggle through this day.

He's in the hospital, and Niki is unconscious. James is damn glad that there's a chair next to the bed, because his legs finally give way when he gets close enough to smell the decay and antiseptics coating the other man like an aura. This shouldn't be real life. This shouldn't be happening. Death and horrible accidents aren't things that should happen to Niki. He should be immune to danger because he's Niki fucking Lauda, and this can't be happening.

Deep breaths. That's what Marlene told James when he looked into her earnest, tired face in the waiting room in search of answers. Take deep breaths until you feel all right again.

James takes deep breaths, but he doesn't think things will ever be all right ever again. At the very least, he gets enough oxygen to his brain to feel a little less like keeling over.

"Goddammit," he chokes out as he rolls his eyes to the ceiling. It sounds too much like a sob for his liking, and even though Niki can't hear him, he'd prefer to at least contain some semblance of dignity.

It's not fair. It's never fair when these things happen to drivers; it's not the sort of thing James would even wish on his worst enemy, and lord knows how close Lauda came to being just that, at least in the eyes of the media. It's even worse when they're someone close to you.

James has a habit of sticking his nose in places he's not wanted, but he usually backs out before it all goes to hell. Suzy was an exception, and look where that got the both of them.

Niki was another exception, but James had told himself over and over that he would never hurt Niki. Well, at the very least, he wouldn't ruin the man for the rest of his life. He had thought that being aware of the fact that he's dangerous would keep Niki out of the danger zone. They liked each other too much to be rivals, they hated each other too much to be friends, they were too proud to admit they came rather close to loving each other, and somehow they managed to morph their relationship into a mix of all three. Since James couldn't pin down exactly the nature of what they were, he had deluded himself into thinking that he would never hurt be able to hurt Niki, because he didn't care about Niki in any conventional sense.

Still, James had been aware. He was infallible. Foolproof. He might have consummated their not-relationship in every hotel room they drifted through, but he never willingly brought his heart into the matter, and so he thought Niki would be safe.

And then Nürburgring happened. James and Niki had bickered the night before and fucked away the argument and then bickered some more. They'd wound up in separate rooms, and James was so pissed off the next morning that he went against Niki and his very own instincts and said they should race. And the room took one look at his smile, and they were won over.

God, he is so _stupid_.

James so desperately wants to blame this on Niki. He had told the Austrian back when they lived together that he wasn't the kind of man you wanted to cross paths with for any considerable period of time. Trying to find stability with a race car driver is like trying to find safety in the wrong end of a gun. After the first time they'd slept together in the comfort of James's bed back when they still lived together, he'd had a cigarette and looked at Niki and told him that there's no way this will work. He had smiled as he said it, of course: what they were doing was quite possibly some form of emotional sadomasochism, and that no one with half a brain would stick around long enough to let James ruin everything they'd established.

If he recalls correctly, Niki had offered some vague threat in response, half-heartedly punched James, and padded off to the shower.

The memory provides such a stark contrast between the past and the present. James keeps imagining the spry Niki he knew then, with sex-wild hair and snide comments and life. And then he looks down and sees Niki now. Sees bandages and burned flesh and imminent death.

This is what James does. He's like a wet painting; touch him, and you'll bear his mark for the rest of your life.

He wants to be angry because Niki knew that, and so this is somehow Niki's fault. But it isn't. James only has himself to blame.

"Well, Niki. I think it's safe to say neither of us wanted to be here," he mumbles lamely, finally forcing himself to speak. This is what he came here for. To say the things he may not have the chance to say again. He reaches over and takes Niki's hand in his own. "Bit of an understatement, that."

Niki always said James would be the death of him. He never meant it seriously; James did, after all, have a habit of doing stupid things at the slightest provocation, often resulting in Niki being dragged into the mess as well. But, God, the man was actually telling the truth. It all feels eerie now, looking back on it.

James should have known better.

"I suppose I should apologize." James takes a deep breath and looks out the window, looks at the sunlight pouring in and thinks of how it should be raining, because the world shouldn't continue like normal with Niki dying. "See, I tried writing you a letter. A few letters, actually. I can never find the proper words. You deserve at least that much.

"I shouldn't have swayed that room, Niki. I did it to be selfish, because it was easier than getting in a row with you over whatever we were upset about. I didn't..." Here, he has to stop, because he's crying even though he told himself he wouldn't. He wanted to be strong, and he can't even hold himself together to get through his little speech.

He's not allowed to be upset. He's not allowed to cry over Niki, not when he's the one who put him here.

"I didn't mean for you to get hurt, is what I'm trying to say. I just wanted to make sure you know that. Bit late to say it now, isn't it?" He trails off with a humorless laugh.

He doesn't feel like a human being. It's like someone came along and systematically stripped his organs away, leaving him with nothing but a shell and a black hole that's sucking away any ounce of happiness he could possibly find. And that's okay, because James doesn't want to be happy anymore. He honestly cannot find the will to be anything but angry and upset and guilty and a thousand other things, because this is all his fucking fault.

James charmed Niki into his life with his smile, but all that was was a mask for the tornado he truly is.

There's a soft knock on the door. Marlene. She had assured James that she would give him a warning before the doctors were to come in to change Niki's bandages and kick James out.

It doesn't feel like enough time. He wants to grow roots here by Niki's side and watch over the man and channel his life force to keep Niki alive. He wants to cry enough tears to bring the man back. He wants to keep staring at Niki until the man leaps up from the bed and wipes off some prosthetics and laughs at James for being a pansy about this big practical joke.

"I have to go, Niki," he says quietly, rubbing at his eyes with his free hand. "Don't you dare bloody die on me, rat."

He stands up and walks out, past Marlene and the incoming doctors and into the sunlight. His body goes on autopilot, and he smokes a pack of cigarettes right then and there to calm his shaking fingers.

___________

Niki is back at the Ferrari paddock mere weeks later, ready to race. James feels stupid for shedding so many tears and worrying so damn much about a man who lived. Then, he's drowning in guilt for feeling stupid when he sees Niki donning the scars and bandages. When he guides Niki through panic attacks when he gets behind the wheel for the first time. When he cleans the blood from Niki's helmet. When he watches Niki grappling with Ferrari politics instead of his own struggles.

But by some miracle, Niki forgives him. Niki spends somber afternoons in James's room, both of them trying to learn the ropes again. James does his best to act like nothing is wrong, to go back to normal, but when Niki catches him by the waist as they pass one another in the living room, somehow they wind up against the wall in an overwhelming state of emotion. James cradles Niki's face in his hands with a care he doesn't reserve for anything, fighting back tears as he whispers over and over how sorry he is. Niki tells him to fuck off, to quit apologizing, to just _shut up_. Niki closes his eyes and grips fistfuls of James's shirt, and they both stand there until James feels like he can breathe again. And then he apologizes once more, because he wants to shoot himself for marring Niki with the mask of a monster for the rest of his life. All because he's a selfish bastard. Niki shuts him up with a desperate kiss.

They don't say anything about it for the rest of the day, because they're James Hunt and Niki Lauda, and these subjects are too hard to breach.

They're in bed that night, half asleep, when Niki finally mutters, "What's done is done. I am alive. You are alive. I can race. That is all that matters."

James lets out a muffled sigh from behind the arm he has thrown over his face, saying, "But I-"

"Don't you dare say that I did not know what I was getting myself into. I have a 20% chance of getting into an accident each time I am in the car. I accept that risk. I accepted it with you, too. Do not put that on your shoulders."

"But I swayed the room."

"And I chose to race."

"You'll have my scars on you for the rest of your life because... because of _me_."

"So? I will wear them. I do not need a face to drive."

James removes his arm from his face to peer over at Niki. The man quickly averts his gaze and then closes his eyes. "It's late. Go to sleep, Hunt."

It doesn't completely absolve James of his guilt, but it makes life a little more bearable. He still feels his stomach drop each time he sees the burns and the blood and the pus as he helps Niki change his bandages, but he'll be damned if he doesn't shoulder this weight right along with Niki. If Niki is going to keep him around even after he knows firsthand of James's tendency to fuck everything up, then James is going to stay. For the first time in his life, he'll stay.


End file.
